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I've lost a valued employee.....Merry Christmas

Discussion in 'General Chit-Chat' started by skyhigh, Dec 7, 2012.

  1. skyhigh

    skyhigh Major Contributor

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    We were attempting to have our company Christmas Party this year. Unfortunately things didn't work out as planned.
    I've also lost a valued employee.....her name was Patty.


    This should give you an idea as to what happened.......


    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: November 1, 2012
    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

    There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! (had my suit rented and everything)

    A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

    This gathering is only for employees!

    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family,
    Patty

    _____________________________________


    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: November 2, 20102
    RE: Gala Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

    However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

    There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

    We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,
    Patty

    ____________________________________

    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: November 3, 2012
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

    I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

    Somebody?

    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

    REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

    Patty

    ____________________________________

    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    To: All Employees
    DATE: November 4, 2012
    RE: Generic Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

    There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

    Gay people are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table if you choose.


    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.
    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?
    Patty

    _____________________________________

    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All F*%^ing Employees
    DATE: November 5, 2012
    RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

    I've had it with you vegetarians!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your flipping salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

    But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

    The rest of you flipping wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,

    The B*tch from H*ll!!!

    _________________________________________

    Company Memo
    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: November 6, 2012
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Whatever!
    Joan
     
    Tags:
  2. J Hill Designs

    J Hill Designs Major Contributor

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    heh
     
  3. Gino

    Gino Premium Subscriber

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    Now ain't that just about sum it all up ?? :wink:


    Merry Everything !!
     
  4. genericname

    genericname Active Member

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    Am I the only one that pictures Patty as Pam from "Archer"?

    That was great.
     
  5. signswi

    signswi Very Active Member

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    This email joke about as old as time and this not a difficult HR problem, which makes it as unfunny as it is old.
     
  6. ChicagoGraphics

    ChicagoGraphics Major Contributor

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    I thought it was real till the 3rd memo, LOL
     
  7. SIGNTIME

    SIGNTIME Active Member

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    made me laugh
     
  8. Gino

    Gino Premium Subscriber

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    I wonder if I would sit at the diabetics table or the AA ?? Oh, that's right, I'm not an AA. Okay, that settles it, I'm just gonna sit at the bar, point at everybody and laugh while sipping on my Bushmill..... they B E T T E R have Bushmill.

    :bushmill:
     
  9. skyhigh

    skyhigh Major Contributor

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    Shall I ***ume that you are ***ociated with one of these "special interest" groups???

    I am sorry if I offended YOU or anyone else!!!!!

    Ohhhhh hell, who am I kidding....:ROFLMAO:
    Go pound a fruitcake.


    Even better....LOL
     
  10. slappy

    slappy Very Active Member

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    :goodpost:
     
  11. Red Ball

    Red Ball Very Active Member

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    Yes, very old joke.

    :rock-n-roll:

    Still got a grin.
    I hope to read it again next year.
     
  12. Nelson Newbie

    Nelson Newbie Member

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    Somebody needs a nap. :ROFLMAO:
     
  13. skyhigh

    skyhigh Major Contributor

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    Now that's funny in itself. Thanks Red!!!
    First thing that came to mind is (I think) John Deaton's tag line. If you're going to insult someone, at least have the decency to be vague. (or something like that).

    Kinda like watching "Its a Wonderful Life".......it never gets old.

    :thumb:
     
  14. Jillbeans

    Jillbeans Major Contributor

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  15. skyhigh

    skyhigh Major Contributor

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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26UA578yQ5g (CAUTION contains bad word)

    This is one of my favorites. OLD, yes.....but always entertaining. (reminds me of Bob every time I listen to it.....or my 5th grade English teacher, Sr. Cathering)
     
  16. signswi

    signswi Very Active Member

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    What is this, the AARP forums?
     
  17. skyhigh

    skyhigh Major Contributor

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    Now thats funny swi. See, your getting the hang of it now. Better yet, why don't you tell us a joke????

    You did hit a nerve though..... I received their 'invitation" to join, in the mail the other day. The wife thought it was pretty funny.

    AARP can pound a fruitcake also. I"M NOT THAT OLD!!!!!!
     
  18. Gino

    Gino Premium Subscriber

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    Shh........... yes you are.... you just told me on the phone the other day........... :ROFLMAO:
     
  19. skyhigh

    skyhigh Major Contributor

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    I have a fruitcake with your name on it Gino.


    What it boils down to......You're only as old as you feel.
    (sigh.... I'll see if I can dig that application out of the garbage)

    On the bright side, I ACT like a teenager.....does that count?
     
  20. Gino

    Gino Premium Subscriber

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    Rather than rum, use Bushmill in mine. In fact, just save all the ingredients and just send the Bushmill, instead. :thankyou: I just luv Christmas..........


    christmas mistletoe honey.jpg


    Don't forget...... kiss me under the mistletoe............... :tongue:
     
  21. Stealth Ryder

    Stealth Ryder Very Active Member

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    Heh Heh, that was funny..... Thanks....
     
  22. ThinkRight

    ThinkRight Active Member

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    Old is a state of mind.
    I am not old, but my body is worn out....
    My back and knees were due for rebuild / regasket 20 years ago.
    But I ain't old. :ROFLMAO:
     
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