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Joke

signage

signage

New Member
As a new young doctor was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man he asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?’
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
He then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
 
J

JetPress

New Member
VQhovOe.jpg
 
Boudica

Boudica

I'm here for Educational Purposes
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, 'I bet you don't know what day this is?' 'Of course I do,' he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door, and drove to his office. At 11 o'clock, the doorbell rang. The wife answered, and there at her front door was a UPS driver, in his had was a box containing 12 red roses. Later, at 2 pm there was another knock at the door, this time it was a deluxe box of Belgian chocolates. Eventually the husband came home, tired after a hard day's work.


His wife greeted him by saying: 'First the flowers, then the chocolates, I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!'
 
signage

signage

New Member
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. When he arrived, the doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
 
V

Vinyl slayer

New Member
oh, so we are doing medical jokes in poor taste... game on:

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
 
V

Vinyl slayer

New Member
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
 
signage

signage

New Member
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.....'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
 
signage

signage

New Member
in the Emergency Room a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
 
John Miller

John Miller

New Member
A woman arrives at the vet with a duck that is limp. She asks the vet to examine her duck. The vet says sorry madam, your duck is dead. That will be $69.00. The woman says "$69.00 for just telling me my duck is dead?? you didn't even do anything. The Dr. leaves the room and returns with a cat. He puts the cat on the table with the duck. The cat sniffs the duck, looks at the vet and meows. The vet takes the cat out and brings in a black lab. The dog puts his paws up on the edge of the table, sniffs the duck and says woof. The vet takes the dog out and comes back with a bill for $285.00 When the woman sees the bill she says "holy cow!! that's a lot of money. The vet says, well, "after the cat-scan and lab report that's what the bill comes to.
 
Gino

Gino

Premium Subscriber
So, this guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. He's all wrapped up in saran wrap, except for little slivers around his eyes, nose and mouth, but is otherwise naked underneath.

As he approaches the doctor, the doctor speaks up and says....

I can clearly see you're nuts !!​
 
Boudica

Boudica

I'm here for Educational Purposes
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
 
Gino

Gino

Premium Subscriber
CALLER: Is this Pizza Delight?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed the wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago....

-

I’m making my own pizza from now on​
 
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