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Joke
- Thread starter oldgoatroper
- Start date
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
My boss recently told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
And I said, "Well, that's wonderful!. So, then I have a serious drinking opportunity."
And I said, "Well, that's wonderful!. So, then I have a serious drinking opportunity."
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
True Story.
Some years ago, there was a Psychic Convention / Trade Show in our city, and as always, there are a number of attendees / exhibitors who find their way to our doors to get a rush job done.
In the hours leading up to the opening of the trade show, one of the guys that worked here took great delight in answering the phone calls of these people inquiring if their banner / bus cards, etc. were finished and he would mischievously reply "You mean you don't know??? "
Gino
Premium Subscriber
A little known historical fact - today's lesson
For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Sh!ttin’ Me".
Am I right? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men have you?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, “You gotta be sh!ttin’ me.”
For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Sh!ttin’ Me".
Am I right? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men have you?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, “You gotta be sh!ttin’ me.”
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Of course, maybe they meant "more than 4,153,237 people got married"
Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Of course, maybe they meant "more than 4,153,237 people got married"
Gino
Premium Subscriber
I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!
Johnny Best
Active Member
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed... And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am... I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed... And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am... I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted.
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
My girlfriend told me she was Christian, so I broke up with her...
I've only known her since she was Christine.
I've only known her since she was Christine.
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Unfortunately for the Flat-Earthers, there is absolute proof the world is not flat, cuzifit wuz, then cats would have pushed everything off the edge, by now...
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis.
They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Never question a drunk.
A 37 year old woman at the super market says . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
A 37 year old woman at the super market says . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
- A half-gallon of 2% milk
- A carton of eggs
- A quart of orange juice
- A head of lettuce
- A 2 lb. Can of coffee
- A 1 lb. Package of bacon
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Terry the Toothless Termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bar tender here?"
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."
When she returned, she said, "Well, we've discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do -- one-third ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."
Earl then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."
When she returned, she said, "Well, we've discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do -- one-third ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Okay, just a little reminder to all you husbands who have promised to love your wives 24/7 -- that's today.
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Johnny Best
Active Member
That's every day Dude!
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny... what is the name of the thread you found this post in... ?
Would it have helped if I had typed that in Steven Wright's voice?