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Old Paint vs Ron White

skyhigh

skyhigh

New Member
I accidently stumbled on a website that featured a few jokes from Ron White. I couldn't help thinking....... he must know Old Paint.
  • [on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
  • I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.
  • Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like crap! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said- and I quote- "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?
  • So I asked the salesman, very politely, I said, "How do you sleep at night, you prick?" ))))))))))))))
  • Ever take a crap so big that your pants fit better? I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.
  • Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist, out of Dallas, and he was staring at me. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" [shrugs] Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" Man, this guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" [shocked look] YES, SIR! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently, I'm not the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.
  • There was a guy down in Florida who said that, at the age of 53 years old, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain and hail of a force-3 hurricane. Now, let me explain somethin' to ya: it isn't that the wind is blowin', it's what the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a Volvo, it doesn't matter how many sit-ups you did that morning. If you have a "Yield" sign in your spleen, joggin' don't really come into play. "I can run 25 miles without stopping." "You're bleedin'." "Damn!"
 
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