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"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

Hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines...

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right...

What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll go around.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going...

Bar owner asks bar tender if he is sleeping with the barmaid. Bartender says "no." Bar owner says "Good, you fire her then."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

What did the masochist say to the sadist? "Hurt me" What did the sadist say? "No"

A rich husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh"...

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . . He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and...

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron." The other looks at the first and says "Are you sure?" The first replies "I'm positive." A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender puts it in front of him. As the neutron...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her...

Two guys are pushing their carts around Safeway when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second guy says, "That's OK. It must be a coincidence. I'm looking for my...

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he...

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous...

An Irishman was walking home from the pub late at night, and saw a woman lurking in the shadows. 'Twenty Euros for a good time,'she whisperd. Paddy had never been with a prostitute before, but decided,'What the hell, it's only twenty Euros'. After the first couple of minutes at in the bushes...

This obviously happened before Harry had his heart attack... :ROFLMAO:

Wonderful to hear. Feel free to contribute whenever you run across a good joke.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 4. She is not a DUMB BLONDE - She is a LIGHT HAIRED...

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a rum......................................................... ............................................ ............................................ ...