Joke

[oldgoatroper]

(From 2004, of course)...



President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country
to invade next, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up
'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am
callin' to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,
me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm
tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to
one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to
ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war
is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"


George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am
sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can
feed two million prisoners."

 

[Gino]

And this folks........ is why we don't have a jokes/humor thread going.

 

[oldgoatroper]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ******** me?

_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death...

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

____________________________________________


And last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

[oldgoatroper]

And this folks........ is why we don't have a jokes/humor thread going.

huh? waht?

 

[oldgoatroper]

The gynecologist who became a mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"

 

[oldgoatroper]

A joke for SignRex...


A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are Seattle-ites. I'm letting them dry out so they'll burn."

 

[oldgoatroper]

There was a man who lostone of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again and again.

He asked, "Why areyou so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

 

[Gino]

Okay. here's another weak one to get this thing started. It's clean and free of any vulgarities, politics and/or porn.
____________________

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
It is a simple test of your English language skills
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow,Pink,and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

 

[signswi]

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

[allamericantrade]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

This one definatly made my day
:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

 

[cutcnccam]

Ahh…… very interesting

 

[CheapVehicleWrap]

Garage space in Jersey becoming more & more of a premium.

Nowadays we need to utilize every every last cubic inch

 

[TheSnowman]

What did the router say to the doctor? It hurts when IP.

 

[genericname]

I am retelling the newfie joke to all of my friends at our next gathering. Wife's family's from out East; she'll love it!

 

[SD&F]

Thank you......I need to laugh every morning when I come in. Please lets do this everyday.!!!!

 

[TwoNine]

Good stuff. So there are 3 people who all died at the exact same time. One an Irishman, the other a Rabbi, the other a Catholic priest.

So the get to Heaven at the same time - and apparently they were REALLY busy that day, because St. Peter walks up to them and tells them that if they want to wait they can, or to get through faster, they can just take a walk down the road of temptation and if they make it through to the other side they are free to enter Heaven.

So they talk about it and decide to try the road of temptation.

They start walking and the Irishman sees a Pub and tells the others he's just going to step in for a pint. And BAM!!! Straight to hell.

So the Priest and the Rabbi walk on. The Rabbi sees a dollar laying on the ground and he bends over to pick it up. and BAM!!!!! The Catholic priest goes straight to hell...

:\

 

[AnotherSignManiac]

Good stuff. So there are 3 people who all died at the exact same time. One an Irishman, the other a Rabbi, the other a Catholic priest.

So the get to Heaven at the same time - and apparently they were REALLY busy that day, because St. Peter walks up to them and tells them that if they want to wait they can, or to get through faster, they can just take a walk down the road of temptation and if they make it through to the other side they are free to enter Heaven.

So they talk about it and decide to try the road of temptation.

They start walking and the Irishman sees a Pub and tells the others he's just going to step in for a pint. And BAM!!! Straight to hell.

So the Priest and the Rabbi walk on. The Rabbi sees a dollar laying on the ground and he bends over to pick it up. and BAM!!!!! The Catholic priest goes straight to hell...

:\

hahah!! :ROFLMAO:

 

[oldgoatroper]

Beware of Senior men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday...

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

the clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.


'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

[oldgoatroper]

A blonde boarded a BA flight from Heathrow to New York and shortly after take off walked into first class and sat down in a spare seat. A stewardess asked for her boarding pass, and on seeing that it's economy asks her to return to her own seat.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York" Not wanting to cause a scene, the stewardess backed off and reported to the cabin crew director.

So he approaches the woman and also asks her to return to her seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York". Once again, not wishing to cause trouble, he retreats and reports to the Captain. "No problem" says he, "My wife's blonde"

The Captain hands control over to his co-pilot and walks back to the blonde, bends down and whispers into her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her seat.

The cabin crew are impressed and asked how he had done it.

"I told her that First Class doesn't go to New York"

 

[oldgoatroper]

A blonde calls up the Guinness Book Of World Records.

She says "I just set what has to be a world record -- I put a jigsaw puzzle together in three days."

"Oooookay...." says the guy who answered the phone, "so, what do you think makes that so special?"

"Well," she replies indignantly, "the box says four to six years..."