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Joke

Discussion in 'Entertainment, Humor and Spoofs' started by oldgoatroper, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    An Irishman was walking home from the pub late at night, and saw a woman lurking in the shadows.

    'Twenty Euros for a good time,'she whisperd.

    Paddy had never been with a prostitute before, but decided,'What the hell, it's only twenty Euros'.

    After the first couple of minutes at in the bushes, all of a sudden, a light flashed on them. It was a police officer.

    'What's going on here, people?' asked the officer.

    'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answered sounding annoyed.

    'Oh, I'm so sorry,' said the cop, 'I didn't know.'

    'Well, needer did I,' said Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!'
     
  2. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

    With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

    The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

    The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
     
  3. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

    After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

    The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
     
  4. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Two guys are pushing their carts around Safeway when they collide.

    The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my

    wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


    The second guy says, "That's OK. It must be a coincidence. I'm looking for
    my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."


    The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife

    look like?"

    The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue
    eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing white short shorts. What does
    your wife look like?"

    The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  5. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
    "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
    minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
    She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
    "Take what you want."

    "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
    clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
     
  6. LenR

    LenR Member

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    Jun 30, 2009
    Maryland
    Medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls"

    There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

    BALLS - Is coming home really late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


    Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome......
     
  7. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron." The other looks at the first and says "Are you sure?" The first replies "I'm positive."


    A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender puts it in front of him. As the neutron goes for his wallet, the bartender says "No, really, it's OK. For you, no charge."




    Hey, I'm here all week, try the veal ... oh, wait... it's already Friday.... :)
     
  8. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . . .

    He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is
    still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie
    Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"

    So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.

    The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie
    tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.

    When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"

    By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz
    chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.

    "But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.

    "Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius. The
    young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:

    Wait for it.....





















    "A jazz chord..............to say, I ruv you..."



    Okie... next...





    So, Stevie Wonder is out shopping with his seeing eye dog and the dog is just knocking stuff off the shelves everywhere, so a salesman approaches, indignantly asking "May I help you?"

    To which Stevie replies, "No, thanks... I'm just looking."
     
  9. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    A rich husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
    when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
    gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss,
    then says she'll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says,
    "Who was that?"

    "Oh", replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's the last straw", says the wife.
    "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

    "I can understand that," replies her husband,
    "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
    no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
    no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.
    The decision is yours."

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

    "Who's that woman with Jerry?" asks the wife.

    "That's his mistress", says her husband.

    "Ours is prettier", she replies.
     
  10. GypsyGraphics

    GypsyGraphics Major Contributor

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    OH BOY... a joke short enough that even i can remember it!
    if i tell it and no one laughs... it's probably because i'm dyslexic
    -
    -
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    and said bar
    :doh:
     
  11. GypsyGraphics

    GypsyGraphics Major Contributor

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    Mar 19, 2009
    :roflmao:!!!!
     
  12. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    What did the masochist say to the sadist?

    "Hurt me"

    What did the sadist say?

    "No"
     
  13. SignosaurusRex

    SignosaurusRex Major Contributor

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    Washington State
    Bob, a recently retired Chicago Signpainter is walking along a Florida beach near his new home. As he is strolling along enjoying the weather and scenery, he happens to run into Ron, another Signpainter he knows from Chicago that he has not seen in a number of years. They greet each other and exchange pleasantries, how's the family etc, Ron asks, "So...Bob...what brings you to Florida?" Bob replies... "Oh, I retired to here after my sign shop burnt to the ground, The insurance paid for the loss and I decided not to rebuild...what about you, what brings you here, vacation"? "No", Ron replies, "I had a flood that completely wiped me out and when the insurance paid me, I did the same and moved down here to enjoy retirement". With that, Bob replies, "I see...hmmm...Ron, How the heck does one go about starting a flood"?
     
  14. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
    the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
    where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is
    attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is
    menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man
    with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he
    is on fire.

    No further studies are expected
     
  15. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    Bar owner asks bar tender if he is sleeping with the barmaid.
    Bartender says "no."
    Bar owner says "Good, you fire her then."
     
  16. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

    "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
    You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
     
  17. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    What did the scarf say to the hat?

    You go on a head, I'll go around.
     
  18. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

    After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

    A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

    Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson... "They won't let me pass wind."






    I cannot believe the word f*rt is banned...
     
  19. SD&F

    SD&F Very Active Member

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    I'm luving reading these, especially on Monday. I can't contribute because these all may hit a little to close to home. I am in Georgia, as you know.
     
  20. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    Hear about the new corduroy pillows?

    They're making headlines...
     

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