Joke

[Gino]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
“Pardon me, Rabbi, but is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replies,
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.


A while later, the rabbi speaks up and asks the priest,
“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replies, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asks him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replies, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nods understandingly and remains silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi says, “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”​

 

[Roto]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach.

 

[qmr55]

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

The group of women on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

 

[tiredcreations]

haha. these are the worst jokes ever.

 

[oldgoatroper]

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

 

[oldgoatroper]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

 

[oldgoatroper]

So tell me...

If Hellen Keller had psychic abilities, would you say she had a 4th sense?



ok, ok, I'll get my coat.

 

[oldgoatroper]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began
to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, is that
what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're most always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to
call me a horse's a*s?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's a*s."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[oldgoatroper]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” ; When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

 

[oldgoatroper]

The pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and
asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family
expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to
hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and
spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives
us.” Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her
frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers.”

The entire congregation said, “Amen.”

 

[oldgoatroper]

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic
minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an
Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a
Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a
Norwegian, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an
African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry guys, I can’t let you in without a Thai "

 

[oldgoatroper]

three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one
perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a
restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."

 

[oldgoatroper]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, isn 't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it isn't Bubba'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two a*sholes.'

'What? He had two a*sholes?' asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two a*sholes.'

 

[SD&F]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

 

[SD&F]

One more and then I'll check tomorrow:
USEFUL WORK PHRASES


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh
nervously, and change the subject.

 

[oldgoatroper]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalkmark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

 

[oldgoatroper]

I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband,

Would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE F****N' DEAD'!

 

[oldgoatroper]

Does anyone remember hearing this when you were younger?


_______________________________

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this out loud without a snigger (though goodness knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

 

[SD&F]

Oldgoatroper.....you have heard them ALL.

 

[oldgoatroper]

Oldgoatroper.....you have heard them ALL.

Aw, shucks...

Actually, I'm just kinda mostly copying them from a similar thread at another forum -- bringing only the best, of course. (Or at least as far as I can see)


------------------------------------------


A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed, "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, a hard-boiled egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and placed it on the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in years! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!

Two months later, her husband suddenly died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them blurted out, "You know you killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his a*s."