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Joke

Discussion in 'Entertainment, Humor and Spoofs' started by oldgoatroper, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.

    There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.

    It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.

    During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.

    The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.

    And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.

    A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.

    The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.

    In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.

    Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank - hungry, tired, and exhausted.

    "I need food," whimpered Bob.
    "We could always eat the fish," suggested Sidney.
    "Don't be stupid," said Geoff.
    "Lets all stay calm," said Bernard.
    "I've been thinking," said Jim, thoughtfully.
    "Haven't we all," responded Geoff, "there's nothing else to do round here but think. I'm all thunk out."
    "No, Look," continued Jim. "Here we all are famished, and there's a snack machine just over there."
    "Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that'll go down a treat," said Bob, sarcastically.
    Jim sighed. "No one need ever know."
    "And what about the camera pointing straight at it?" asked Bernard.
    "Aha, but there's no camera pointing at the back of it!" announced Jim.
    Sidney looked on in despair. "Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!"
    "And what would we do with the wrappers?" Said Bob nervously. "There's talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!"
    Jim smiled a long cunning smile. "As I said, I've been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them."
    Geoff was only half convinced. "There's still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked."
    "I've thought of that, watch this..." Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.

    As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.

    The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.

    The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.

    The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.

    The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.

    "Don't sit on that ancient thing" snapped Geoff.
    "What?" asked Bernard.
    "He's right" said Jim. "That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway."
    So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.

    Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.

    They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.

    They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.

    "And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank."

    David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.

    Mr. Attenborough wasn't so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.

    The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.

    And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.

    The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.

    Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don't nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.

    David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn't going to pull the crowds in.

    The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn't have them all locked up on criminal charges.

    The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he'd got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.

    "How? just How? how... How could you?" he finally exploded.
    "We're all very sorry. Really, we are." Jim hesitantly replied.
    "Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you're sorry!"
    "Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are."
    "We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!"
    "We're sorry about that."
    "So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs..."
    "We're sorry about that as well."
    "...And, without a care, you steal from this company..."
    "And we're very sorry about that."
    "And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium..."
    "Ah, yes, we're sorry about that, too."
    "...And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!"
    "Actually sir, that isn't quite true..."
    "What?"
    "We didn't do it on porpoise."




    My apologies.
     
  2. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

    After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

    He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

    "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

    "Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

    "In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

    Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

    "No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
     
  3. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

    I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

    I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

    She replied, 'What happened to my boogers?'
     
  4. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

    Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly, and it shows?"

    She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta."

    He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

    She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

    Next, he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

    This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the ph**k do you want?"

    The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said.... "Ahhh, Air Canada."
     
  5. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
    106
    63
    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
  6. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa
    to Edmonton.

    The boy, who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

    The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the attendant, who was extremely busy serving drinks.

    She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

    The boy answered, 'Yes.'

    'Well, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'
     
  7. RobbyMac

    RobbyMac Member

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    Nov 19, 2010
    Indianapolis, IN
    A few women are sitting in the lunch room reminiscing about their sexual escapades from their younger years. As a blonde co-worker approaches the table to join them, she overhears one of the women mention that she's slept with two Brazilian men.
    Startled, she blurts out "Oh my GOSH! How many is a BRAZILIAN?!"
     
  8. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
    The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

    The vet then proceeded to tell my wife that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    My wife went to the store to buy some "Nair" hair remover.

    At the register, the pharmacist told her...
    "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
    My wife said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The pharmacist said,
    "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
    My wife replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either...if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

    The pharmacist said,
    "Well then, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
     
  9. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

    "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

    "What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

    "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

    "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

    "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
     
  10. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    I got a new stick deodorant today.
    The instructions said:
    Remove cap & push up bottom
    I can barely walk
    but whenever I f*rt
    the room smells lovely!
     
  11. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

    Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"

    Wife texts back: "Computer completely f**ked now"
     
  12. DonW

    DonW New Member

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    Jan 23, 2012
    Cowboy on the range

    Cowboy on the range encounters an Indian.
    Cowboy: "That your dog?"

    Indian: "Yep."

    Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

    Indian: "Dog no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doin' all right."

    Indian: (Look of shock!)

    Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

    Dog: "Yep."

    Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

    Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Indian: "Horse no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

    Horse: "Yep."

    Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down,and puts me in bad weather."

    Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Indian: "Sheep lie."
     
  13. Blaney

    Blaney Member

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    Nov 30, 2008
    Springfield Illinois
    Two guys walk into a bar................the third one ducked.
     
  14. RobbyMac

    RobbyMac Member

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    Nov 19, 2010
    Indianapolis, IN
    A rope walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
    The bartender scouls at the rope "We DON"T serve ropes here. Get out before I call the bouncer."

    The rope is pretty upset and quickly leaves... but once outside he gets a hairbrained idea to Tie his upper portion into a KNOT and the FRAY the ends (So as to look like a head with hair).

    With renewed confidence, he marches back into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

    The Bartender sizes him up for a moment and then exclaims "Hey! Didn't I just kick you out of here?!"

    To which the rope replies....

    "No... I'm a frayed knot."
     
  15. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:

    A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

    A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.."

    The jury retired to deliberate.

    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

    The jury foreman replied:"Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."
     
  16. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers!


    F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

    Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

    7H15 M3554G3
    53RV35 7O PR0V3
    H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
    D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
    1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
    1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
    17 WA5 H4RD BU7
    N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
    Y0UR M1ND 1S
    R34D1NG 17
    4U70M471C4LLY
    W17H 0U7 3V3N
    7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
    B3 PROUD! 0NLY
    C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
    R3AD 7H15.
     
  17. SD&F

    SD&F Very Active Member

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    Oct 4, 2009
    I still appreciate the humor!!! Thanx
     
  18. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    63
    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

    Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

    'Very good!'

    Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

    Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

    'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

    Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

    Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

    The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

    She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

    'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

    Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

    At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

    The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

    Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

    Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

    Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little sh-t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

    Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

    The teacher fainted.

    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh-t, We're screwed!'

    Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Toronto Maple Leafs 2012.'
     
  19. jfiscus

    jfiscus Map Wraster

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    Apr 2, 2009
    Cincinnati, OH
    Ouch! Bad sign placement....:omg2:
     

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  20. lexsigns

    lexsigns Member

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    Burlington ma
    thanks - needed a good laugh today! some good ones there!
     

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