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Joke

oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy.........."
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1 . The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6 On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
For all you gentle Scots of good breeding..........

Archie and Jock are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s plans for his forthcoming wedding.

“Ach, it’s all goin’ grand” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister and even ma stag night.”

Archie nods approvingly.

“Hivvens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.

“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”

“Ach,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white.”
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
And now... a few groaners...


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elkskin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.




King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate,he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."





Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.





A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."





An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After abrief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended,but the malady lingers on."





A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."






A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
One more groaner....

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice Cabernet. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Some military humour...



On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

________________________________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

_____________________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
________________________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

________________________________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

______________________________
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
________________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
A modern day cowboy hasspent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath,when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yardsahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you'rea goner anyway!'


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK!,I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen Andhe is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare goldcoins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:
If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
 
Vinylman

Vinylman

New Member
Daddy is a gay dancer
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - firefighter, mechanic, businessman, Wally salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside. "Is that really true about your father?" . . . [scroll to bottom of page]



































"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
 
oldgoatroper

oldgoatroper

Roper of Goats. Old ones.
SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________



ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________



OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
 
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