Joke

[Gino]

Do you want it autographed by a real live female ??

 

[oldgoatroper]

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean .When he gets to Nanaimo , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.

But first, the Bush Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'

The Newfie promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er.'

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road.. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time,it's a bigger tree and of a different class..

'Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet.' says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.

'And what about that one?'Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, 'A Yeller Cedar,242 board feet at most.'

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he is.As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.' The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?'

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure,' the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz someone took a sh*t behind it!'

He got the job. Three weeks later, he became the foreman.

 

[Gino]

Just my luck..............

 

[SD&F]

Gino, you know it is blank inside that book.....RIGHT!?

 

[Gino]

Gino, you know it is blank inside that book.....RIGHT!?

whaddaya talkin' about ??

 

[oldgoatroper]

Another batch of groaners... don't say I didn't warn you.


I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington, D.C., is obviously the government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

[Gino]

Did I read that sign right..............??

Department Store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In the office:
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Healthfood Shop in window:
Closed due to illness.
At a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car.
Farmer's field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

 

[oldgoatroper]

The other night I stopped mid stroke and looked into the missus's eyes and she gave me a puzzled look back, then asked me what I was doing. To which I replied "I thought I'd try something I had learned from watching internet porn." "Whats that?" She asked. My answer "Buffering"

 

[Gino]

Kids were sitting around in a circle with their teacher and in turn, she was asking them all questions.

Davey, what noise does a cow make ??
It goes. 'moo'..........
Alice, what noise does a cat make ??
It goes 'meow'..............
Jamie, what sound does a lamb make ??
It goes 'baaaaaa'................
Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make ??

Errrr...... it goes... 'click.... click'......................

 

[ironchef]

Lol good stuff here

 

[oldgoatroper]

The Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let
me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you
let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

 

[oldgoatroper]

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."

 

[oldgoatroper]

The Irish crew of a sailing boat were tasked with burying their mate Murphy who wanted to be buried at sea.

Pat and Mick had rowed out a little when Pat got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water. "We need to go out further," says Pat.

So they row out another fifty yards then Pat jumps out and the water reaches his chin. "We need to go out further," says he, so they row another 100 yards.

Pat jumps out again and disappears under water. A moment later, he reappears and after a little coughing and spluttering says to Mick, "OK, that's far enough -- hand me the shovel."

 

[SD&F]

I needed a good laugh today and a smile. Spent all weekend working....THANX

 

[oldgoatroper]

Auto-correct on iPhone drives me mad .

It's so hard to write a dirty joke when it won't let me swear..

Tucking pile of shot.

 

[oldgoatroper]

For the ladies on this board...



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb....

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. .

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?</SPAN>
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

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While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...

………….Then He made the earth round.

 

[oldgoatroper]

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, all walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.........

"You can't come in here without a Thai.”

 

[SD&F]

I once knew knew a cross-eyed man, he couldn't see straight if his life depended on it.

 

[SD&F]

That's all I got, I cant' share the others.

 

[oldgoatroper]

To balance out yesterdays jokes for the ladies...






Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?







Cause she's a woman.