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Joke
- Thread starter oldgoatroper
- Start date
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Two powerline workers came back to the shop after going out on a service call to find that there had been a complaint of foul language phoned in by a little old lady who lived very near the location they had been working. They were asked to submit a written report to address the issue.
One of the guys wrote:
Me and Joe went out on a job. I went up the pole before Joe and I accidently dropped a wrench on Joe’s head and he said, “Really, Clarence, you must learn to be more careful...”
One of the guys wrote:
Me and Joe went out on a job. I went up the pole before Joe and I accidently dropped a wrench on Joe’s head and he said, “Really, Clarence, you must learn to be more careful...”
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Armed Forces
If you tell a member of the Army to secure the building, he will post an armed guard...
If you tell a member of the Navy to secure the building, he will turn off the lights and lock the door when leaving for the evening...
If you tell a member of the Marines to secure the building, he will gather sufficient troops and assault with superior firepower. There may be very little building left...
If you tell a member of the Air Force to secure the building, he will track down the owner and negotiate a 20 year lease...
----------------------------
Members of the different Armed Services were asked how they would deal with a scorpion in their tent
The sailor said he'd step on it
The soldier said he'd crush it with his boot
The Marine said he'd capture it, rip off the stinger and eat it
The airman said he'd call room service and ask what a tent was doing in his room.
If you tell a member of the Army to secure the building, he will post an armed guard...
If you tell a member of the Navy to secure the building, he will turn off the lights and lock the door when leaving for the evening...
If you tell a member of the Marines to secure the building, he will gather sufficient troops and assault with superior firepower. There may be very little building left...
If you tell a member of the Air Force to secure the building, he will track down the owner and negotiate a 20 year lease...
----------------------------
Members of the different Armed Services were asked how they would deal with a scorpion in their tent
The sailor said he'd step on it
The soldier said he'd crush it with his boot
The Marine said he'd capture it, rip off the stinger and eat it
The airman said he'd call room service and ask what a tent was doing in his room.
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Beyonce. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Beyonce, You would have come up with Shakira. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Beyonce."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife! That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Beyonce. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Beyonce, You would have come up with Shakira. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Beyonce."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife! That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Gino
Premium Subscriber
Soooooo,
Hillary is still a little upset about losing, so she challenges President Trump to another test. They finally agree to have a fishing contest and whoever catches the most fish in 10 hours..... wins.
So they go to this lake in Wisconsin and start fishing.
After two hours, nothing in Hillary's basket and look over at President Trump's..... nothing there, either.
Another three hours and still the same, no fish for either of the two.
We're now at the eight hour and still no fish ??
It's now almost 10 hours later and still nothing for Hillary, but President Trump's baskets are overflowing with fish.
Hillary's cohorts told her..... he cheated, he cut holes in the ice.
There ya have it
Hillary is still a little upset about losing, so she challenges President Trump to another test. They finally agree to have a fishing contest and whoever catches the most fish in 10 hours..... wins.
So they go to this lake in Wisconsin and start fishing.
After two hours, nothing in Hillary's basket and look over at President Trump's..... nothing there, either.
Another three hours and still the same, no fish for either of the two.
We're now at the eight hour and still no fish ??
It's now almost 10 hours later and still nothing for Hillary, but President Trump's baskets are overflowing with fish.
Hillary's cohorts told her..... he cheated, he cut holes in the ice.
There ya have it
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
A blonde was selling her pet python on eBay.
A bloke rang up and asked if it was big.
She said: "It's massive."
He said: “How many feet?"
She said: "None - it's a friggin snake!!"
A bloke rang up and asked if it was big.
She said: "It's massive."
He said: “How many feet?"
She said: "None - it's a friggin snake!!"
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
So, if four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, duzzat mean that one of 'em enjoys it? Eh?
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.
A: Halfway.
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Soooo.... ya know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends?
...cuz he's married....
...cuz he's married....
Fares Bayazeed
New Member
Fares Bayazeed
New Member
I like this one the best out of all of today's listings. Not current, no problem with me.
Fares Bayazeed
New Member
True story. My father came to this country from Amman, Jordan. When he first came here he asked my mother at an early age. "Carolyn, I do not know what to think of this USA. Why do people just sell their garages and not the house and the garage?" ("Garage Sale").
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
How do you hide a dollar bill from an internist?
Put it under the dressings.
How do you hide a dollar bill from a general surgeon?
Tape it to his kid's forehead.
How do you hide a dollar bill from an orthopedic surgeon?
Put it in the chart.
How do you hide a dollar bill from a plastic surgeon?
You can't hide a dollar bill from a plastic surgeon.
Put it under the dressings.
How do you hide a dollar bill from a general surgeon?
Tape it to his kid's forehead.
How do you hide a dollar bill from an orthopedic surgeon?
Put it in the chart.
How do you hide a dollar bill from a plastic surgeon?
You can't hide a dollar bill from a plastic surgeon.
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Q. Why do kleptomaniacs have difficulty understanding puns?
A. Cuz they are always taking things literally....
A. Cuz they are always taking things literally....
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
For any of you whom have ever done some coding:
The Programmers Creed:
We do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy
We do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Today, I spent an hour at my wife's grave...
She thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
.
She thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
.
Dennis422
New Member
Husband and wife were smuggling few thing over the border.
They hid most of the stuff in the car but the only thing they could not find a spot for, a live skunk.
Woman: What am I supposed to do with the skunk?
Man: Don't know!!! Hide it somewhere! Anywhere, just get the stupid thing out of my way.
Woman: I know, but where???
Man: I do not know!!! Damn, put it under your skirt!!!
Woman: I thought about that..... but....it stinks.
Man: I know, I do not care if the skunk dies....
They hid most of the stuff in the car but the only thing they could not find a spot for, a live skunk.
Woman: What am I supposed to do with the skunk?
Man: Don't know!!! Hide it somewhere! Anywhere, just get the stupid thing out of my way.
Woman: I know, but where???
Man: I do not know!!! Damn, put it under your skirt!!!
Woman: I thought about that..... but....it stinks.
Man: I know, I do not care if the skunk dies....
Gino
Premium Subscriber
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
Gino
Premium Subscriber
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"