Joke

[oldgoatroper]

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER




Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

[SD&F]

Those were the days when you had to be intelligent and quick witted.....how I miss them days!!

 

[oldgoatroper]

Those were the days when you had to be intelligent and quick witted.....how I miss them days!!

Yeah, I miss being intelligent and quick-witted, too...

 

[oldgoatroper]

So, the wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no
idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works
fine.

 

[SD&F]

Ha ha ha

 

[oldgoatroper]

Dating in 1957

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!"

 

[SD&F]

I'm liking that one!!!

 

[oldgoatroper]

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class
neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... No pubs, no stores, no
restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder
by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
Which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really
decent of you... Is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

 

[oldgoatroper]

By the way... if you have run across a good joke, don't be shy -- post it here. This thread is intended for everyone's jokes -- not just mine....

 

[petesign]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You gonna die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown on the third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear, whispers something, then slaps the horse. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day the chief asks, "What you wish today?"
The cowboy responds, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse, whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps the horse. The horse goes running again.
Two hours later the horse returns with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - gonna die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by his ears, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Read my lips . . . I said POSSE!"

 

[oldgoatroper]

Olympic sailing medal tally is in.........Australia took gold, Great Britain, silver and Somalia took the boats.............

 

[oldgoatroper]

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.

"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and low and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the Genie's warning faded.

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.





<groan>

 

[oldgoatroper]

Several years ago, Mike was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Mike was a good person and made arrangements for Mike to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Mike was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Mike into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Mike refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".


<even bigger groan>


.

 

[oldgoatroper]

Two city guys go on their very first deer hunt, get lucky, and shoot a nice buck.

After field dressing, they grab it by the hind legs & start dragging back to their truck.

An old timer comes across them, and tells them, "I wouldn't interfere, or tell anyone what to do... but, by dragging your buck by the hind legs, you are going against the "grain" of the hair, which makes it a lot more work. Most of us drag the deer by the antlers -- it makes for a better handhold, and going with the grain makes it easier," and then he walked away.

So, deciding to give it a try, the noobs switch ends, and carry on.

After a while one of the noobs says, "Ya know, it IS easier dragging him by the antlers.

Other noob replies "Yeah it is easier... but have you noticed that now we're getting a further & further from the truck..."

 

[oldgoatroper]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of only one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

The cowboy replied, 'Couple of minutes ago...'

 

[Blaney]

How do you turn a Dishwasher into a Snow Blower?




Give Her a shovel.

 

[Mike F]

Why shouldn't women be allowed to drive?

Ain't no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

 

[signage]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

 

[Mike F]

Thought this was pretty good even though I'm not a big fan of "clean" humor...

 

[SD&F]

OLDGOATROPER, I love your jokes and your sense humor. Mike and Blaney, it's a good thing I enjoy your sense of humor as well.