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Joke
- Thread starter oldgoatroper
- Start date
signage
New Member
you drop the bottle 
:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
Gino
Premium Subscriber
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box
to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet
to the bar with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to the bar with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again, "How about going to the bar with me
and have a beer?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time..
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to the bar for a beer?"
......
This time, a little voice
came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my frickin' shoes on!"
Gino
Premium Subscriber
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma,
Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other
and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it
be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a
martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced
martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10
cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at
each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the
bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay
the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a
dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,
"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this
place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's
all the same.""Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help
noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't
have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
anything the whole time they've been there.Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other
and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it
be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a
martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced
martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10
cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at
each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the
bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay
the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a
dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,
"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this
place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's
all the same.""Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help
noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't
have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
anything the whole time they've been there.Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
signage
New Member
Just aw this one!
This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong
email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error,sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong
email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error,sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what's the question?
"Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:
"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical.”
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what's the question?
"Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:
"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical.”
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
CURTAIN RODS
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes,crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, andat first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought into set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..... and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes,crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, andat first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought into set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..... and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Arlo Kalon 2.0
New Member
I used to know a beautiful black hooker (don't ask me how). One day she decided to get out of the business and open an ice cream stand. It was the best ho-made ice cream you ever tasted.
signage
New Member
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every
once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right
next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot
hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick
me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make
the best of it ?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with
my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my
fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give
me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every
once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right
next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot
hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick
me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make
the best of it ?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with
my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my
fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give
me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
I have sexdaily
I mean dyslexia!
Fcku...
I mean dyslexia!
Fcku...
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
Do Designated Drivers drive people to drink?
Do Designated Drivers drive people to drink?
JR-Folientechnik
New Member
That is so kool! Can you send me a Kopie!