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Joke

Discussion in 'Entertainment, Humor and Spoofs' started by oldgoatroper, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. sar bossier

    sar bossier Very Active Member

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    Apr 7, 2011
    HA! I finally got one worth posting (I think):

    Computer humor.
    This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Customer: A white one...
    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
    screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?
    ****************************
    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
    I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
    I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but
    the computer still says he can't find it..
    ****************************
    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
    ****************************
    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: ! OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
    ****************************
    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five dots.
    ****************************
    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
    ****************************
    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
    on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
    ****************************
    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first email.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
    the little circle around it?
    ****************************
    This one and the next are our personal favorites!
    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
    printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
    The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
    printer is working fine.'
    ****************************
    And last but not least!
    Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
    same time.
    That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
    Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
     
  2. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    By the time the sailor got into town, every hotel room was taken.
    "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded at the last hotel.
    "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

    "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force
    pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
    But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in the
    rooms next door have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be
    worth it to you."

    "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it."

    The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
    bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

    "Never better."

    The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

    "Nope, I quietened him in no time," replied the Navy guy.

    "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

    "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
    sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and
    said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
     
  3. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

    The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

    The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

    The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

    The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
     
  4. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

    Scroll Down. --->
































































    <----- Scroll Up.
     
  5. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    One upon a long time ago...
    there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or b*t*h.
































    But this was a long time ago...
    and it was just that one day.

    The End








    (yes, I will need to do penance for that... )


    .
     
  6. J Hill Designs

    J Hill Designs Major Contributor

    15,549
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    Sep 24, 2004
    CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY'



    Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon!!

    You got nice house' . . . .
     
  7. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    John was in the fertilized egg business.

    He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
     
  8. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    A chicken and an egg were in bed together and "afterwards" the egg lit up a cigarette, turned to the chicken and said, "I guess I solved the mystery to that question, didn't I?"
     
  9. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Alberta
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
    students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
    3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
    grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
    principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
    would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
    he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
    agreed to take the test.

    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'


    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
    should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go
    to the 3rd grade.'

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
    of?'


    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'



    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
    delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'


    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
    sticky?'


    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
    answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
    and a dog does on three legs?'


    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
    lot of heat and excitement?'


    Harry: 'Firetruck'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
    Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...
     
  10. Mike F

    Mike F Active Member

    750
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    May 11, 2011
    took this from clientsfromhell...

    I was rounding off an Instant Message chat with a German client. I intended to say “Let me know if I can help further”. Instead, my clumsy fingers typed and sent the following before I could stop myself:

    Me: Let me know if I can help fuhrer.
     
  11. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    We've got a new machine at the gym.
    I'ts awesome, I nearly threw up after an hour.
    It's got everything, Snickers, Mars bars, KitKat, M&M...
     
  12. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene. This exchange between an English-speaking traveler and a member of the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the Far-East Economic Review.

    Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.

    Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.

    Room Service: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?

    Hotel Guest: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

    Room Service: Ow July den?

    Hotel Guest: What?

    Room Service: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?

    Hotel Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.

    Room Service: Ow July dee baycome? Crease?

    Hotel Guest: Crisp will be fine.

    Room Service: Hokay. An Santos?

    Hotel Guest: What?

    Room Service: Santos. July Santos?

    Hotel Guest: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.

    Room Service: No. Judo one toes?

    Hotel Guest: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.

    Room Service: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?

    Hotel Guest: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.

    Room Service: We bother?

    Hotel Guest: No. Just put the bother on the side.

    Room Service: Wad?

    Hotel Guest: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.

    Room Service: Copy?

    Hotel Guest: I feel terrible about this but...

    Room Service: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...

    Hotel Guest: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.

    Room Service: One Minnie. *** rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?

    Hotel Guest: Whatever you say.

    Room Service: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.

    Hotel Guest: You're welcome.
     
  13. qmr55

    qmr55 Very Active Member

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    Jun 3, 2010
    Yardville NJ
    ^^ That's great lol
     
  14. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but did you know there are more Catholic churches than casinos?

    Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

    Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

    The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

    This is done by the chip monks.
     
  15. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

    The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

    The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
     
  16. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

    The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you
    want a pay increase?"

    Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
    The first is that I iron better than you."
    Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
    Maria: "Your husband said so."
    Wife: "Oh."

    Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
    Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
    Maria: "Your husband did."
    Wife: "Oh."

    Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
    Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
    Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
     
  17. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

    1,753
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    Jul 28, 2009
    Alberta
    An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall and asked, "Excuse me; I cant seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

    The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

    "I have no idea" he replied, "but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere..."
     
  18. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:
    1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as people think they are.
     
  19. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    1. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

    2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    4. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
     
  20. oldgoatroper

    oldgoatroper Roper of Goats. Old ones.

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    Alberta
    Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

    Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

    Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

    Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

    "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
     

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