Joke

[oldgoatroper]

A gas station in "Redneck Country" was trying to increase its sales so the
owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "Redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and, if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, but you were
close. The number was (7).

Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time." Some time thereafter,
the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up,
and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.

The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3).
You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No tain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged - my wife won
twice last week."

 

[Roto]

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?.... He didn't believe in DOG
Boom Boom

 

[oldgoatroper]

Rich lawyer driving home sees 2 guys eating the grass on the side of the road. Lawyer stops and asks "why are you eating grass?"

First guy says "I've fallen on hard times, no money for food, this is all there is to eat". Second guy says the same thing.

Lawyer says "you can't eat this grass, get in the car and come home with me". First guy says "But I've got a wife and 2 kids – just over that hill. They're eating the grass over there."

Lawyer says, "bring them too – and you can come also" to the second guy.

"But I've got a wife and 6 kids" says the second grass eater –"and they are eating grass on the other side of the hill also".

"Bring them all", says the lawyer – "there's plenty of room in the Limo".

The 2 guys gather their wives and kids and they all bundle into the Limo with the kind lawyer.

As they drive off, the lawyer smiles at the poor creatures in the car and says "You'll love it at my place…..the grass on my front lawn is a foot high!"

 

[oldgoatroper]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[oldgoatroper]

One day, Farmer Bob is in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Farmer Bob, realizing he must find a way to carry his entire purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice.
The livestock clerk says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" says Farmer Bob, and off he goes.
While walking, he meets a young girl. She tells him she is lost, and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
Farmer Bob says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there."
The girl says, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
Farmer Bob says, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The girl thinks for a moment then replies, "Well, you could set the goose down, put the bucket over it, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[oldgoatroper]

An old cowboy dressed in some old beat up boots and hat with worn Levi's and a sun tanned craggy face sat down at the bar and ordered a double shot straight up with a beer chaser. As he sat sipping his drink, a pretty young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the old cowpoke and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life riding fences, breaking horses, punchin' and brandin' cows, going to rodeos, fixing gates and tanks, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring critters, cleaning stalls and barns, fixing flats, working on tractors, shootin' varmints and cattle rustlers and feeding my huntin' dogs, so I guess I am a REAL cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a businessman sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Hell!" he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I may be a lesbian."

 

[oldgoatroper]

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'll have a rum.........................................................
............................................
............................................
............................................
............................................
.......... and coke."

The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"

The bear responds: "I dunno... I've always had them."

 

[oldgoatroper]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not a DUMB BLONDE - She is a LIGHT HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a Tramp - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT Hooker - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL *** - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has MALE SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants.....It's REAR
CLEAVAGE.

 

[mrchips]

A guy who's down on his luck is knocking on doors in a rich neighborhood asking for work.

After a few houses, a guy feels sorry for him and asks him to paint his back porch and gets him a bucket of paint and a brush.

Half hour later, the guy knocks on the door and says he's finished and wants to get paid. The owner is shocked and asks how he did it so quickly?

Guy says, no problem but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a BMW.

Joe,

Makin Chip$ and Havin Fun!

 

[SD&F]

I'm personally luving all the funnies!!!! Thank you from Georgia.

 

[oldgoatroper]

I'm personally luving all the funnies!!!! Thank you from Georgia.

Wonderful to hear.

Feel free to contribute whenever you run across a good joke.

 

[Fred Weiss]

The Pig with the Wooden Leg

City cousin goes to visit the country cousin down on the farm and is getting the grand tour. They get to the pig sty and the city cousin notices that there's a pig with a wooden leg.

"Hey Cuz", he says, "How come that pig has a wooden leg?"

"It's a long story", says Country. "You see that pile of ashes there? That used to be our barn. I was milkin' the cow and she got all ansie and kicked me plum in the head ... knocked me out and hit the lantern too. Caught the barn on fire! Well, that pig happened on by, caught the scent, saw what was happenin' and dragged me on out. Saved my life!"

"Uh huh", says City, "but what about the wooden leg?"

"I'm gettin' to that. Now ya see that hill over yonder? Well the Sheriff had a road gang up there workin' and a couple of them convicts snuck away and was hidin' in the tall grass. They'da come down and killed us in our sleep that night except that pig happened on by, caught their scent, started in squealin' and carryin' on and pointin' like a bird dog until the deputy noticed the ruckus and caught 'em. Saved our lives!"

"That's really something", says City, "but what about the wooden leg?"

"I'm gettin' to that", says Country. "If ya look down past them trees, there's a pond. My Mrs. decided to catch some fish for dinner. She climbed up on a rock and went to cast her line and slipped and fell in the water. Now that woman don't swim a lick and she'd a drowned for sure except that pig happened on by, took one look, dove in the water, pulled her out and even gave her mouth to mouth resuscitation. Saved her life!

"Phenomenal", says City, "but what about the wooden leg?"

"Well shucks, cousin", say Country, "With a pig that good ... you don't eat him all at once!"

 

[Fred Weiss]

Once there were two boll weevils. One left home, took up playing the trumpet, became rich and famous and capped off a brilliant career with a command performance before the Queen of England. The other just stayed home and ate cotton. As the years passed, he became know as the lesser of two weevils.

 

[Fred Weiss]

Mickey and Harry went to play golf. On the second tee, Harry had a heart attack and died. All day long it was:

Hit the ball ... drag Harry.

 

[Fred Weiss]

Mickey and Harry went to play golf. On the fifth tee, a funeral procession drove by and Mickey took off his hat, held it over his heart and said,

"She was a wonderful wife and the love of my life for 37 years".

 

[oldgoatroper]

Mickey and Harry went to play golf. On the fifth tee, a funeral procession drove by and Mickey took off his hat, held it over his heart and said,

"She was a wonderful wife and the love of my life for 37 years".

This obviously happened before Harry had his heart attack... :ROFLMAO:

 

[Gino]

A font walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve your type here.” and he called the Serif.

 

[Fred Weiss]

She was only the stableman's daughter ... but all the horsemen knew her.

 

[Gino]

What did a left aligned text block tell to another left-aligned text block?

Don't justify yoursef!
​

 

[Gino]

Why were the italic fonts removed from the book design?

They were just too oblique.
​