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Wearing Out Welcome???

Discussion in 'General Chit-Chat' started by Arlo Kalon 2.0, Jul 20, 2012.

  1. Arlo Kalon 2.0

    Arlo Kalon 2.0 Very Active Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Reno, TX
    I know I have friends on here who will shoot straight with me, so here goes. My daughter is engaged and her wedding date is still 9 weeks away. For the past 3 or 4 months her fiance has been here EVERY day of the week from just before supper time til around 9pm. We gained another mouth to feed - even when we go out to eat. I like this guy a great deal, but am beginning to wonder why he can't live a day without seeing my daughter. When I was engaged there was no way the guy who became my father in law would have put up with me being over every day - and honestly, I had friends I liked spending time with occasionally. This guy abandoned all his friends when he got engaged to my daughter. They never go to his house because my daughter is not too fond of her soon to be father in law. From cell phone records, we know our daughter has been texting another guy she graduated with quite a bit from after 10pm til up to 2am. My wife asked her a few days ago what she loves about her fiance. Her hesitant answers were not what you would expect from a woman who is going to marry the guy in a few months. I don't know what to think or do about this. Maybe I AM too old to remember what it was like to be in that phase of love where the hormones raged and you needed to be together all the time... but I'm beginning to think my daughter is feeling trapped in something she can't change now. I find it strange she is texting an old guy friend an hour after her fiance leaves. She and this guy almost were together at one time. His mom and my wife are friends so we know this guy is devastated that Kait is getting married. In fact, he's deeply depressed about it. I can't imagine what he and Kait are talking about. Like I said - I have no idea what I can do here - if anything. I don't want to bring anything up that would cause my daughter (and future son in law) to resent me. But man, I'd really enjoy at least one night without him here! Any suggestions?
  2. OldPaint

    OldPaint Major Contributor

    well you got old huh? hahahahahahahaha
  3. trik

    trik Member

    Feb 10, 2009
    Yuba City, CA
    Hey Arlo, I feel for ya. Unless I read things wrong there are quite a few things that needs to answered. First maybe your wife should ask your daughter what she loves about the guy she is texting? Secondly if they never go the guys house, where are they going to go after they are married?

    Not sure the age of your daughter, but sometimes we just back and let them learn the lessons of life, I sure wish my dad would have told me a couple of things when I was 18 and thought I knew it all, everyone else did, but he was probably the only one who could have change my mind on things or maybe not. He let me have my way about things, it was a wrong choice. But then again maybe i would not be where I am at now, and no way I give up my family i have now to have had it better at 18...lol

    Anyways, it's a tough call, but if you honestly feel your daughter may want out of the situation, I would confront her and support her the best you can, she will thank you later.

    Good luck bro!
  4. Arlo Kalon 2.0

    Arlo Kalon 2.0 Very Active Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Reno, TX
    She is 21 and so is he. I am trying to figure out just how to confront her about it. Honestly, they can't afford to be married. I have a fear in less than 2 years they'll be needing to live with us, and I am not going for that. This guy is a sweet kid - very considerate. He is always feeling the need to apologize to Kait because she's been getting very moody lately around him. The facts of the matter are he has a woman that, for lack of a more tactful way to put it, is out of his league. My daughter is a bonafide supermodel and this guy is somewhat south of good looking. I hate the way that sounds, but it's true. I think he's desperately afraid of losing her - which is why he wanted a very short engagement. Man, this is gonna be keeping me awake for awhile!
  5. rjssigns

    rjssigns Premium Subscriber

    Jun 4, 2007
    Home Office
    Long story short. Julie a real good friend of mine got married. Left the church went to the reception. Few minutes later no one could find her. Her Dad knew, so he went to her favorite hang-out. She was in her wedding dress at the bar. Dad asked why she got married if she didn't love the guy. She said she would have felt bad ruining the day so many looked forward too.
  6. Arlo Kalon 2.0

    Arlo Kalon 2.0 Very Active Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Reno, TX
    That's been along the lines of what I've been picturing with this wedding. BTW, your avatar looks like my son's dog - a rottweiler/shepherd mix. He weighs 115 lbs and barks as loud as a lion I heard roar in a zoo.
  7. Colin

    Colin Major Contributor

    Sep 16, 2004
    I would encourage your daughter to consider the fact that she likely has a long life ahead of her, and that at her age, such choices are terribly wrong.

    Marriage is an adult thing, and most people at that age simply don't know themselves well enough, or have what it takes to pull off a long term relationship.

    I didn't get married until I was about 38, and I'm glad I waited, for if I had married any one of those gals who I dated up to that point, it likely would not have worked out.

    As the "chemistry" we all feel when we "fall in love" can be attributed to nature's way of hoodwinking us into reproduction, "Don't do it - it's a trick" is a motto which might serve her well.
  8. SignosaurusRex

    SignosaurusRex Major Contributor

    Mar 7, 2007
    Washington State
    I know this may sound too old fashioned to some but, have you had any good heart to heart talks with this young man? If not, it would be a good start!
  9. john1

    john1 Guest

    Oh gosh, Sounds like this marriage thing isn't going to work out.

    If someone really loves another person they don't sneak and text other guys. Been there, dealt with that crap before.
  10. signage

    signage Major Contributor

    Oct 5, 2005
    Who is closer to your daughter you or your wife? Which ever one it is should talk with her.
  11. qmr55

    qmr55 Very Active Member

    Jun 3, 2010
    Yardville NJ
    I say this, it's the only way to really find out what his intentions are. I am young, so you may not call me "old fashioned" but if I had a daughter this would have been the first thing I did. Good luck and I hope all works out for you Arlon.
  12. Farmboy

    Farmboy Active Member

    Feb 8, 2007
    Auburn, NY
    Do what ever it is you feel you need to do and then step back.
  13. ThinkRight

    ThinkRight Active Member

    Nov 13, 2011
    Atlanta Ga
    Gut instincts are something that can not be ignored.
    To me it sounds like your intuition is raising Red flags !
    Tell your daughter that if she were not to go through the marriage would not be the end of the world .
    If she is going to get married to not upset everyone that is the wrong reason , the marriage will not last.
    Another thing , what the he!! is wrong with his parents ??
    If their own kid does not want to be around them , and now they are part of your family ?
    Sounds like we are gonna be watching you on a future Jerry Springer show .
    Did you ask the future son-inlaw why he wants to marry your little girl .And her him ?
    If it was Real Love this thread would have never been started .
  14. Jillbeans

    Jillbeans Major Contributor

    Dec 24, 2003
    Butler, PA
    OK for starters, please use paragraphs.
    My gut instinct from reading through your post is:
    The guy is needy, your daughter is his whole world.
    If she doesn't like his folks maybe they are not so great.
    She'll be stuck with them after the wedding.
    It sounds as if she maybe thought she could rescue him from them.
    She sounds like she might be a bit of a people-pleaser and has got stuck trying to "fix" someone.

    I'd tell her that she needs to step back and take a good look at the situation.
    She'll hurt this guy a lot more by marrying him and divorcing him than by dumping him now.
    By texting the old friend, she is already being unfaithful to her fiance.
    And I think it's kind of weird that you are checking her phone records...sorry.
    But I can see why, you're concerned.
    Is the texting buddy the guy you said you liked so much in a post awhile back about your daughter getting engaged?
    I think she needs to take time off from both men and try to learn more about herself.
    She's just a kid.
  15. rjssigns

    rjssigns Premium Subscriber

    Jun 4, 2007
    Home Office
    Hey Arlo good catch on the pup. We figure she is Rott/Shep also because of the angulation in the hind quarters. She is our second rescue.

    I hope things turn out well for your daughter.
  16. Gino

    Gino Premium Subscriber

    Jun 7, 2006
    For what it's worth, I think you already know what you and your wife should do...... for your daughter.

    If you're coming to a sign forum, regardless of the family feel here..... not many people air something like this in the open. Have you spoken to any of your family members, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts..... what do they feel ??

    Not so long ago, you wrote a thread about how torn she was and which boy should she remain with. Evidently, she doesn't make good decisions. Possibly you and your wife have been harboring her too much and too often. She doesn't seem capable of making life type decisions without you or your wife coming to her rescue.

    Anyone infatuated with another and can't be away from that person is just that..... infatuated...... not in love.

    I would not single out your daughter. She's being fueled by her fiance, her EX and you & your wife and possibly even his parents. I would talk to them all and have a group meeting and get everything out in the open and make sure everyone is totally honest with each other. You can't force your wants on her, but you can sure make them known.

    If this doesn't work, then I'd imagine you'll just have to let the chips fall where they may.

    Sometimes raising children means getting them ready to leave the nest on two strong feet and a sound mind. Can you honestly say this about your daughter without any of the adjectives used by a parent ??​
  17. skyhigh

    skyhigh Major Contributor

    Jun 16, 2005
    number one Arlo, its your home...tell your daughter that you dont want company every nite. #2 get your nose out of her cell phone records.....you check on her like a ten year old, yet she is a 21 yr old getting married?

    Perhaps she doesnt like his parents because THEY dont allow this young couple to walk all over them like you do?
  18. CES020

    CES020 Very Active Member

    Oct 16, 2008
    I'll approach it from a different angle. If you "confront" them, you're going to lose. Period. Full Stop. Can you get them to reflect and determine if it's the right thing to do? Absolutely. Will that change the course? I have no idea.

    If you want to influence them, take the boy to lunch, hang out with him, ask him to get in the car and go somewhere with you, whether it's to a store or just a trip to see something. Have discussions with him. Not lectures, discussions. Ask him open ended questions and let him tell you, rather than you interrogating him.

    Do the same with your Daughter. Get some alone time with her, doing father/daughter things, and ask he how she feels about various things.

    Once they open up to you, they will seek your advice. Right now, they aren't seeking it, so they won't accept it, no matter how true or well intentioned it is.

    I got married at 19 to someone everyone in my family said was the wrong person for me. I wouldn't listen. Turns out, they were 100% right, but they all came at me from the front, making me put my defenses up and digging in even more. The end result was an ex-wife. Wish I would have been listening back then. It would have saved me a boat load of time/effort/money.
  19. Arlo Kalon 2.0

    Arlo Kalon 2.0 Very Active Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Reno, TX
    This reply is for Jill as well. Remember I said the guy my daughter is texting, his mother is one of my wife's best friends? She apparently keeps tabs on his cell phone records at her home - why, I don't know - and shares the info with my wife. I have always respected my kids privacy. I grew up with a mother who habitually snooped in me and my sibling's rooms and I was always repulsed by it. I'd never do it to my kids. Hopefully that issue is cleared up with you now. FWIW, the replies I have received here as well as the two PM's I've been sent, have been extremely helpful.

    My wife told me she did confront our daughter about the texting the other guy. Kait's explanantion is that they are still friends and she is helping him with his depression - she has no idea she is the root cause of it. From my extensive past involvement in relationships before I got married, I instinctively believe it's wrong what Kait is doing by texting him as soon as her fiance leaves. I'm leaning more and more towards the idea she is trapped in something she feels she can't change. My problem with talking to her about it is that my wife is a teacher who is now off for the summer. Kait WILL discuss things with me, but I'd like the conversation to be a father/daughter thing and finding time with my wife home is difficult. Because you've all been as helpful as I anticipated, I'll let you know how it turns out. The bottom line is these two are not prepared/ready to be married yet, the fiance IS needy (Jill) and is rushing the issue so he doesn't lose her, and that is a poor premise for a wedding to take place on. It's funny, my wife was 19 when I married her and I was 26. My daughter at 21 is nowhere near as mature as her mother was at 19. My wife knew what she wanted at 19 and had her life planned out and it went like clockwork as far as her goals being achieved. My daughter, on the other hand, appears to be floundering with her life.
  20. Billct2

    Billct2 Major Contributor

    Mar 12, 2005
    New England
    Take your daughter out for lunch and lay out your feelings (without accusation) for her.
    What ever happens after that you will at least know you had the guts to be a responsible loving dad.

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