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Female Advice

Marlene

Marlene

New Member
Honestly - I think Marlene hit it on the head that she is overwhelmed with life right now. And I will tell you from personal experience that she can't get herself out of it. And you won't be able to do anything right until she does.
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my mom and dad died 11 weeks apart back in 1991. I was a horror to be with and Stacy is right, she can't get out of this by herself. also, she won't admit that as she probably doesn't have a clue what is going on. I was lucky as I had great friends and great co-workers who helped me thru it. I got hugged by my boss after blowing up at her and she kept that up. I wanted to punch her in the face for hugging me when I was mad as hell but after a while, it all started to come into place so I could see what she was seeing in me. same with my friends. grief has stages and we have all heard about that. the thing is when it happens to you, all that info seems to go out the door.
 
Gino

Gino

Premium Subscriber
Bigdawg said:
Typical response - it must be her period or hormones... can't possibly be anything that woods has done... after all he hasn't changed a bit :smile:
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No Stacy... you are dead wrong. It's not a typical response. It's a truthful and well-lived experience first-hand between two people who loved each other immensely and couldn't figure this out and I don't take your accusation too kindly. It might be a typical response in your home, but not mine. We lived it for a while and it was 100% the PMS. Did I contribute ?? Probably, cause I had never heard of it. It took a long time for me to figure this out and work it out with her. Hell, she didn't even know what it was at first. This was before the internet and people fixing themselves via the forums. Besides that, this wasn't covered in Health 101 back in the 60's, either. Nonetheless, this was the case in my/our situation. According to the people we talked to in classes and doctors... it's the very reason for many of these types of situations and if you'd read my last paragraph and understood it, you'd see I told WOOD to do his part.

I was trying to help him and his wife. It's always a two way street, but don't think for a minute that your being a woman means I can't make a good observation you might overlook. My wife probably has 20 years on you and I think she's lived out many situations and combated many problems and understands some of them she just can't help, but she elects to research, study and do something about it. She is not one to just sit back and let things go their own merry way.

Marriage is tough and whether it's finances, health, or just drifting apart.... it is a very important part of my life. I don't take it lightly.... most of the time. You have to work it as much as anything else in your life. We do so many things together it ain't funny. Kevin is long gone, he's out on his own and just turned 48 four weeks ago... so it's her, me and Howard.... our neighbor. We have great times together, but still have our spats, but we always get over them because we know we're bound for each other. Not out of duty, but out of love. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her and the same for her with me. We have each others back. The PMS thing [partial removal] back in the 80's was the best thing that ever happened to us.
 
Bigdawg

Bigdawg

Just Me
WOODBS said:
so taking a night away wouldnt help?
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It can't hurt :smile:

and I wasn't slamming your response Gino... just too easy to take that route when a 40yo woman gets cranky... she should seriously have some tests to rule physical problems out...
 
TheSnowman

TheSnowman

New Member
I don't pretend to understand a ton about marriage, but man, it sucks at times. When it starts to suck, I flat out talk to my wife about it. I have to find out what I can do to make her how she used to be (not as distracted, and fun to be around). For her last time, it was her work load, and her feeling like she had to do the dishes. I said, no problem, I'm here at home, I don't mind doing that, you just needed to tell me. That made her more willing to want to help me when I needed help with errands, etc, and our love life got better too. All I can say is, I have no problem doing dishes anymore because it helps her, and made her not stress about several other things as a result of that one thing.

I do know that the chemicals in our body's are a lot more active target than they once were. My sister struggled w/ severe depression (all the symptoms but suicidal) and her kid now is too. We just figured she was hormonal all the time, and always had a grumpy attitude. She just now that she's 29 looked a little more into it w/ a doctor, and it was just some kind of pill that she's done a 180. She will even tell you she enjoys family vacations now, she doesn't stress about work all the time, etc. Now, how you bring that up to your wife, I'm not sure unless she knows she's having trouble w/ it. All I can think about is that one episode of Raymond where he trys to give Deb some pills and she said "WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOCK ME UP!" You don't want to go down that road.
 
OldPaint

OldPaint

New Member
the death of her father..........is more then likly what is causing the mood swings and shift in behavior.
my wife lost her father in 90-91. she was a wreck for 2-3 years after. then her mom died in 95. we now live in the home of her parents. she is where she wants to be and is over the trama of the 2 deaths of her parents.april this year, she was told to make funeral arrangements for me!!!!! in your case,something in her psyche is not allowing her to get past the death and move on. you need to delve into this a lot more.....ask her about things she and her dad did together, get her to bring up how much feeling she had for him, now hes gone she feels lost..........AND YOUR NO HELP....see? but she dosent say this.
my wife got some tapes by RAMM DASS, on death and dying, sit down and listen to them together......might open the flood gates.........and clear the air.
 
John Butto

John Butto

New Member
You are getting good advice from people with a lot of different backgrounds and long relationships and you reply with "anything I say tho is wrong, so I say nada". Man, your not dumb, your stupid, your wife deserves a medal for putting up with your "I" ego.
 
Marlene

Marlene

New Member
Yeah, her dads death is alot of it.. Anything I say tho is wrong, so I say nada...
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you are so in the damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. since I've been on the other end of this, I can tell you that either will be wrong at any given moment. things that help are showing her that you know she is hurting. how depends on the person. for me it helped when people would talk about the fun they had at our house with my dad and mom and we could share stories. for her, that may set her off or it may open up for her to tell some stories and keep the memories alive. one of the first things that goes is having a hard time seeing your loved one's face and remembering what their voice sounded like. when that happens, a panic sets in as it feels like they have really slipped away out of your memory. talking about things that involved the dad might help bring some of that back if that has happend to her. it's a pretty common thing to happen to people who have lost someone. another thing you can do is to get yourself some self-help for dealing with people who have suffered a loss.
 
WOODBS

WOODBS

New Member
thanks guys for the advice, John...who are to judge man? I'm not stupid dude...just I have tried talking to her about her dad but seem to always say the wrong thing, my bad. So I choose now to intelligently refrain from referring to her parent of the male persuasion, therefore leading to a calm aura.
So just an update, she came to me tonight and apologized for arguing and said she still is in love...gonna try to relax more. Great step, and I told her I will more receptive to her needs...so thats where we are
 
OldPaint

OldPaint

New Member
why dont you have her READ MY POST.....you aint the judge here...on how she is gona take it. i agree its all about you.......not what you can do for her. side note i have been with this woman for 29 years.....we started out with conversations.........and still have them. in all that time WE have had 1 argument!!!!! and i got 3 divorces behind that.......doing it your way.
 
ProWraps

ProWraps

New Member
cut her loose. go have a mid life crisis. buy an 87 red corvette and bang out so many hoes you have to call the CDC.

she'll call you within a week. hang up on her.
 

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GypsyGraphics

New Member
WOODBS said:
Yeah, her dads death is alot of it.. Anything I say tho is wrong, so I say nada...
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If this is the main issue, the loss of her father... the fact is, there really isn't ANYTHING you can say to make it better. You can bring him back and you can't and shouldn't try to stop her from being sad.

When my mom passed away, my husband didn't have a clue what to do when i cried... so he did nothing, which made it worse... so i'd just go to the bedroom and close the door. I'd just come out when i could collect myself. This was a bad idea too, because my boys knew i was upset and got the impression i wanted to be left alone BUT I DIDN'T.

Anyway, it was tough for everyone and i felt bad that i could tell them what would help either... until i was out shopping with my husband and i saw a woman my age, shopping with her mother in a wheel chair (the way i shopped with my mom her last year). My husband saw them too and when i pull my hat down over my eyes, he asked if i wanted to leave. I said "no, we need to finish our shopping" he offered to finish the shopping and let me wait in the car, but i didn't want to do that either. I'm sure it made him feel like nothing he could say or do would help.... i think without even realizing, he started rubbing my back as we walked... not like a back rub, just nice and soft, so i'd know he was there.

It was like a light bulb for both of us, i knew if i decided i couldn't handle it, he'd take over and he realized that hanging with me and holding my hand when things got tough was all i need... no word or solutions required.

i'll post in the premium thread on the hormonal topic later tonight.
 
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