How does one survive raising a teenage daughter?

[Bigdawg]

Update for today - made sure to start the day with a text telling her I loved her and not another word besides that.

And you will be ignored... because answering would indicate that she has warm, fuzzy "I Love Daddy" feelings too... and those would interfere with her "this is my damn life - I have no use for you in it right now" feelings. And at 14 you know which one wins.

But I will bet ya' that text is locked so it doesn't get deleted...

 

[Circleville Signs]

And you will be ignored... because answering would indicate that she has warm, fuzzy "I Love Daddy" feelings too... and those would interfere with her "this is my damn life - I have no use for you in it right now" feelings. And at 14 you know which one wins.

But I will bet ya' that text is locked so it doesn't get deleted...

I hope And seriously Stacy - thank you for the advice. Honest and sincere and filled with caring. There has been quite a bit of good advice in this thread, but some of it has been couched in harsher terms than this Daddy is comfortable with

 

[Bigdawg]

Thanks Gary but let me stress one more thing.

Birth Control. Quickly. Like yesterday.

If she's had sex, she now knows for sure it's fun. And with all the mixed up woman/child feelings she has, the odds are that she will have sex again. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. Even if you think you did.

We excel at fooling our daddy's when we want to. And daddy's don't want to admit someone is banging their little girl. So even if you think you put the kabosh on her sex life... you didn't. At least on this subject (birth control) I think you and mom would agree. It may feel like you are condoning the behavior, but you aren't. You are protecting your little girl.

Best of luck - but you will get through it!

 

[Marlene]

Update for today - made sure to start the day with a text telling her I loved her and not another word besides that.

I have been ignored as of now...

don't be so sure that you are being ignored.

 

[slappy]

It will get better Gary. I promise. I'm 30 now. 14 through 18 are probably my worse years with my parents.
If anything, be there for her and love her. She'll have to live with all the decisions she makes.
There will also be a time when one will be wanting a car to drive, money for clothes, makeup and who knows..... that will be the time you remind her of how she is now

 

[Circleville Signs]

Stacy,

Birth control was done within a week of us finding out about sexual activity.

 

[Deaton Design]

Stacy gave the best advice yet. Im gonna copy that and print it and put it away for when my seven year old becomes that age. Im hoping she wont get too testy, but they almost always do. Hope everything works out for you and and your family man. I really do.

 

[Circleville Signs]

Sorry to bump this for anyone who is annoyed by it, but it has been an incredible source of support and help for me, and I wanted to update everyone who cares as to the status.

I finally spoke to my ex for about 2 hours last night. She doesn't even know what Liz's problem is. Liz keeps telling her that I am controlling, but whenever she is pressed for an example, the only one she falls back on is that I force her to wear a coat when it is cold outside, and threaten to take her phone away if she won't follow the rules.

One of the hardest realizations I have ever had to face is what I finally came to grips with last night. Right now, my baby girl is not a good person. As a matter of fact, she is being a pretty terrible human being. She has decided that she wants no part of our family on Christmas (regardless of the fact that she has 2 grandfathers for whom this will likely be their last Christmas).

So, after much consideration, prayer, and counsel, I decided to follow Stacy's advice and giver her exactly what she "wants". She is now staying with her mother exclusively, and she has lost all of the goodies that I provide for her (including cell phone, allowance, etc.). I have made it clear to both her and her mother that i will not be providing once drop of financial support for Liz beyond the required child support that I already pay. I have also made it clear that in a month or two, when she and her mother at at each other's throats and she decides she wants to come home that we will need to sit down together as a family and decide if that is what is best for the family.

If/when she DOES come back, she is well aware of the conditions, and most importantly I have made it very clear that THIS WILL NOT happen again. The next time she walks out of my door for no reason other than her selfishness and desire to do whatever she wants, that it will be THE LAST TIME. The door will not be opened again. I love her. I have told her that every single day, and will continue to do so. However I will not allow her to tear our family apart on her whims, and then decide one day that she wants it back.

In life, you can't have your cake and eat it too - she needs to learn that by falling on her face, and then laying on it for a while.

 

[artbot]

we just barely survived a custody battle last year. my daughter was in a mediocre loveless home and wanted to move to the country with me and my girlfriend.

it was the most emotionally exhausting experience of my life. almost destroyed my business ($22k in 10 months). but the other side relented for no other reason then their money (which was my money being paid in judgments ran out).

she has gone from depressed troubled young girl to flourishing happy young girl. all of her horrible behavior disappeared.

do whatever you can. even if it almost destroys everything you've ever worked for. the six years of teenage-hood will mark the direction of your daughter for the rest of her life.

 

[jtrainor56]

Wow, I read these posts and am glad I never went through the crap most of your kids are putting you through. My daughters are now 25 and 22 and because of the economy and they are both still home. They both work hard and try to help out as much as possible. Growing up my wife and I worked different shifts so one of us was with the most of the time. I learned to be open with them at an early age and always stresses how important to them that they could talk to us about anything.

When they were teenagers they were not terrible but we had some issues but were never disrespected and we never showed disrespect to them. I have a sister that is two years younger and she gave my parents a load of crap and worry and I saw how they handled the situation and realized early that it was not the way to do things. I think that also not getting married and having my first one until I was 30 seemed to help a bit too, at least for me.

 

[Gino]

Tough Love is as hard on you as it is the kid, but in the end..... you are teaching her there are rules anywhere and if they aren't followed and you want to go solo.... be prepared to go pay with your hide. Going it alone is no picnic... and if she's had you to pick up the pieces all the time.... she'll find out first hand, what an enabler you were and what she will now no longer have.

You've made some really good choices.... now you just have to do what you set in motion.

All I can say is at 14, I find it hard to believe they have had you in their control for so long. Again, I know it's tough, but setting these ground rules up, remember..... this is about you following through as much as her coming to grips with life and reality.

It's not like an animal where you can't hear the other side's thoughts or reasoning, but a live human being.... with some of you in there making grown up decisions while acting out like a 4 year old. I can give in to a small child for any number of reasons, but one formulating the rest of their life's character..... she needs to grow up now before she does something terribly stupid to prove a point.

I used to make a sign for people like you. The sign said.....

Teenagers...
Move out NOW, while you still
KNOW EVERYTHING !!​

So many people took that sign home and put it on their kids bedroom doors and for some reason, it always seemed to go over well. My Dad hung that on a closet door when I was a kid... for my brother's benefit..... ​

Good Luck and take it one day at a time. You can only do your best. You can't force them to be what you want. You have to work with what you've been given and hope you made all the right decisions on her behalf.

Might I ask....... do you have any more kids coming up soon ?? ​

​

​

 

[Circleville Signs]

I've got an 11 year old son - who I dont' forsee these issues with, but who knows? lol

 

[royster13]

I am so glad my divorce and child custody was an absolute dream....There are no problems now and never have been..

 

[Gino]

I've got an 11 year old son - who I dont' forsee these issues with, but who knows? lol

Well, before she leaves.... walk him over to her and tell him to say good-bye and when she goes out the door and you close it..... say to him.... Son, if you ever do anything ever so remotely like what your sister is doing to me.... I'll kick the everlasting daylights out of you so fast, you won't know what the heck hit you. Then, let this glazed look come over your face and say, wanna go for pizza ??

 

[Marlene]

I hope things work out for you and your family.

One of the hardest realizations I have ever had to face is what I finally came to grips with last night. Right now, my baby girl is not a good person. As a matter of fact, she is being a pretty terrible human being

it sounds like you need to get thru to the reasons why she has become a terrible human being. she is taking it all out on you and that could be because she is expecting a reaction. kids don't always say or do what it is that they really mean. what you are doing may be what it is that she needs but if things don't improve, be willing try something else. in our family, I have seen parents wash their hands of their child as they felt there was nothing they could do. it didn't work out very well. please just make sure that your tough love doesn't come across as giving up. there is a difference and having her know that can make a differnce. no matter what, she needs to know that she is loved and when and if she is ready, you are a parent who is there is help.

 

[Circleville Signs]

I hope things work out for you and your family.




it sounds like you need to get thru to the reasons why she has become a terrible human being. she is taking it all out on you and that could be because she is expecting a reaction. kids don't always say or do what it is that they really mean. what you are doing may be what it is that she needs but if things don't improve, be willing try something else. in our family, I have seen parents wash their hands of their child as they felt there was nothing they could do. it didn't work out very well. please just make sure that your tough love doesn't come across as giving up. there is a difference and having her know that can make a differnce. no matter what, she needs to know that she is loved and when and if she is ready, you are a parent who is there is help.

Thanks Marlene.

As I said, I have made sure every day to tell her I love her. Today, when I picked up her phone, she tried to slam the door in my face and I stopped it with my hand, looked at her in the eye and told her again - "Listen kiddo. I have no idea what is going on, or where any of this is coming from - but I love you more than anything in this world. That will never change. You need to learn some lessons right now, but I am ALWAYS here to talk or whatever."

Her response was to glar at me and THEN slam the door in my face.

 

[signswi]

The human brain isn't finished developing until the mid-20s. A teenage brain is literally a work in progress and at that stage a lack of fear and impulse control has certain benefits. That's just an anecdote but it may be useful to remember you aren't dealing with a finished person, she has two more major brain development periods to get through before she's more or less done and you still have lots of influence on her long-term personality.

At this stage she's going to rip your heart out every day. How you cope helps solidify her adult behavioral modeling whether or not it seems to have any immediate impact.

 

[btropical.com]

Poop in her overnight bag or on her front seat of her car . Best thing is a shock and awe campaign .

 

[artbot]

one thing to consider that many parents miss or don't want to admit/discuss/educate themselves about. ...simply because it's not a pretty reality to face but would do their kids a great service to break the tradition of looking the other way.

...is many girls (at least 10%) have diagnosable personality disorders. eating disorders, self esteem issues and histrionics, bipolar, generalized anxiety, ADHD, sleep disorders, and worst of all ...if your daughter is truly being out of control and completely erratic, BPD (borderline personality disorder). i know quite a bit about the whole issue because i've grown up around it and being the artist and always dating the "artsy" girl, it comes with the territory.

it will do all parents some good to educate themselves to tell the difference between "kids being kids" and kids that can't help their own behavior without therapy and medication.

there was a study comparing the nature vs. nurture. in the end your child's personality was 90% genetic and 10% environmental. so the "good" parents need to take their success with a grain of salt, and the "bad" parents need to understand that their are forces beyond their control and need to accept a management position that no amount of authority or love or anything can completely cure.

 

[Circleville Signs]

That's a good point Artbot.

I've considered it, although honestly not until the last couple of days. Her mother is on depression and personality medication, and while I have never needed medication I have dealt with depression issues as well.

If things don't look up soon that may be something that needs to be discussed.