How does one survive raising a teenage daughter?

[David Wright]

She is definitely hurting inside and is paying back with resentment and defiance.
I'll bet she wants the pain to end but doesn't know how.

Now the pain could be the everyday hurts of a young teenager overwhelmed from leaving childhood and stepping into that teenage universe that I am glad is long gone.

BTW, I remember all to well the pain of losing my sweet little girl to this temporary ugliness. As they say, this too will pass.

 

[Circleville Signs]

She is definitely hurting inside and is paying back with resentment and defiance.
I'll bet she wants the pain to end but doesn't know how.

Now the pain could be the everyday hurts of a young teenager overwhelmed from leaving childhood and stepping into that teenage universe that I am glad is long gone.

I agree - but I have no idea where it's coming from or why it's being directed at my wife and I.

And she won't talk to us about it.

 

[artbot]

it's hard for a balanced person to wrap their mind around the idea of having some form of an alter ego. the balanced person just says "calm down" "straighten up" but for those that have disorders they are helpless to the disorder. if your daughter has BPD she will always be tempted to do the opposite of the right thing. i would say you probably are dealing with some sort of something.

as far as therapy and psychiatrists the good ones will be very attentive. just taking someone to any psychiatrist will not do. they all have specialties and there are good bad and great ones. and getting to the bottom of the medicine issue might be a year of several different combinations. and those combinations will change over six month periods as the brain starts to rewire itself and calm down. it's a complex issue that will take about 18 months to get through.

 

[WildWestDesigns]

I agree - but I have no idea where it's coming from or why it's being directed at my wife and I.

And she won't talk to us about it.

If it's something like artbot is suggesting, you can't look at it from a logical perspective, because in all likely hood it won't ever make sense to you.

There could very well be something going on in the background here, to what exactly, that's for smarter people then I.

 

[GP]

I sure hope she does not log onto signs101. talk about a teenage sh*t storm.

 

[David Wright]

I know we are freely giving advice as to what to do or how to handle it, but come on , medical diagnoses and drugs now?

 

[artbot]

yep that is where we are at. and if a parent loves his or her kids than that possibility has to be a part of the equation. for obvious reasons society will allow our kids to have allergies, have crooked teeth, have just about anything except for a personality disorder. i think simply because it reflects back on the parents in some way. parents with personality disorders pass those genes onto their children. so be what it may, admitting to society and ourselves that a child is having more than teen angst issues, means that we are admitting to society and ourselves that one or more parents have issues too.

in the end you will have to choose for your kid. if you don't your kid will self medicate. it will either be adderall vs. cocaine, or klonopin vs. alcohol abuse. in the end suffering people will come up a way to soften the suffering and those that have disorders are suffering on a minute by minute basis with inner chaos that the balanced community can hardly understand.

think of when you get pulled over for speeding. that feeling. right there all the anxiety and anger and disappointment. try waking up to that feeling before you've even brushed your teeth 24 hours a day. it will drive a person to unsafe addictions and over blown behavior every time unless a medical solution is figured out.

 

[Bigdawg]

in the end you will have to choose for your kid. if you don't your kid will self medicate. it will either be adderall vs. cocaine, or klonopin vs. alcohol abuse. in the end suffering people will come up a way to soften the suffering and those that have disorders are suffering on a minute by minute basis with inner chaos that the balanced community can hardly understand.

I'm sorry - but I really think you are wrong.

I was that suffering 14 yo girl. I was pregnant and married by 15. I DO have a pretty good idea of how things can go bad... I lived it.

Telling your kid they can only function on a drug does 2 things. It destroys their ability to believe in themselves without the drug and it gives them an excuse. I'm not saying there aren't kids that need it - I am sure from what you say it was needed in your case. But that should be (and once was) the exception and not the rule.

I'm not opposed to counseling - but only when she is ready to go. Because it won't be worth a damn until she cracks and is willing to listen. And Gary, cracking might be as little as her saying "whatever" instead of no when you ask if she's ready to try it.

I'm glad you laid it out to her. What happens from here is going to be life-changing for her, and I'm so sorry... but be prepared for it to go either way. From your comments (you told her to wear her coat), what I hear is she thinks you treat her like a little girl. And it seems she is hell-bent on proving she isn't a little girl anymore

Someone is going to be there for her. Drugs or no drugs. That someone could be an adult that she trusts to give her a guiding hand or it could be her 16 yo horny boyfriend. I'm glad she's on birth control.

 

[artbot]

i'm not wrong. if you have a kid that literally has a schizotypal disorder, or rapid cycling generalized anxiety that kid will need medicine. no amount of hugs and structure will cause that person's mind to process reality the way a healthy person does. i'm not discussing the strata of america that just want's to get f'd up because they have nothing better to do and don't value their brain cells. i'm talking about diagnosable, treatable disorders. and when say treatment i mean medicine and complex therapies that are disorder specific.

sorry somehow i feel this thread has gotten off the subject. i'm not going to back up my opinions any further. i'm so beyond right on this one. anyone that feels the urge to disagree and type up a storm concerning, has their right to their own naivety.

 

[Colin]

Anyone that feels the urge to disagree and type up a storm concerning, has the right to their own naivety.

I just saw a naivety scene in town today.


:Big Laugh

 

[David Wright]

i'm not wrong. if you have a kid that literally has a schizotypal disorder, or rapid cycling generalized anxiety that kid will need medicine. no amount of hugs and structure will cause that person's mind to process reality the way a healthy person does. i'm not discussing the strata of america that just want's to get f'd up because they have nothing better to do and don't value their brain cells. i'm talking about diagnosable, treatable disorders. and when say treatment i mean medicine and complex therapies that are disorder specific.

sorry somehow i feel this thread has gotten off the subject. i'm not going to back up my opinions any further. i'm so beyond right on this one. anyone that feels the urge to disagree and type up a storm concerning, has their right to their own naivety.

Well I guess that ends it. What a debating technique.

 

[ProWraps]

send her over to her newly remodeled relationship with her mom.

let that fall to ***** and when she begs to come home, tell her NO. flat out.

you made your bed, you lay in it. you can still be her father, and she can appreciate you as her father by comparing the crap she lives in due to her decision. win win.

good for you. stacys advice..well yeah, i think i hear an echo. aka, i suggested it a few posts before hers, but thats neither here nor there. im glad you have echoed what i said in my first posts. its called tough love and it WORKS. guess who it works for. YOU and the people that comply.

 

[CentralSigns]

i'm not wrong. if you have a kid that literally has a schizotypal disorder, or rapid cycling generalized anxiety that kid will need medicine. no amount of hugs and structure will cause that person's mind to process reality the way a healthy person does. i'm not discussing the strata of america that just want's to get f'd up because they have nothing better to do and don't value their brain cells. i'm talking about diagnosable, treatable disorders. and when say treatment i mean medicine and complex therapies that are disorder specific.

sorry somehow i feel this thread has gotten off the subject. i'm not going to back up my opinions any further. i'm so beyond right on this one. anyone that feels the urge to disagree and type up a storm concerning, has their right to their own naivety.

Sounds like you have shares in a pharmaceutical company. Why would anyone want to give a developing brain a total lobotomy. Cause that is what the cure all drugs of the time do. Many are not thoroughly tested and who really knows what they are doing to growing brains, they haven't been around long enough to tell. The only reason pharmaceutical companies are pushing that crap is they found a totally new market to sell drugs to. 50 years ago most teens made out alright once their brains had developed totally. All those new fangled mental disorders are just a way to sell drugs to an otherwise untapped market. Only time will tell what happens to the kids that had their coping skills taken away, and how their new minds grew without these skills. I suspect that most will be addicted to some mind altering legal drug for the rest of their lives. Hell after all that maybe I should buy shares there too. That's my stand on that ship.

 

[GypsyGraphics]

i've been reading this thread, but initally didn't respond because i don't have daughters. last night as i was reading, i thought... i may not have daughters, but i WAS a daughter, who at age 15, refused to speak to my parents, for 8 months, unless absolutely necessary.
but didn't write again because the situation/circumstances were so dissimilar, i didn't see how it would help to explain that... so again didn't comment.

and tonight... still feeling so sad for you Gary... and at such a loss for words of advice... i'm not sure if this bit of info will be helpful... but it was something i insisted on in our home... and it applied equally, without exception to EVERYONE, my husband, myself and my boys. it may seem insignificant to some, and maybe you won't see the importance in it... but to me... i can't think of one single thing that was more important to me... maybe even more so now, than when my boys were young.

sorry for the long lead in, but i know it's bigger than it it'll sound.

from the time my boys went to kindergarten and realized, in the world outside their home, people, both adults and kids could say anything and treat you anyway they wanted to. they could be mean, hurtful, rude, spew ugliness or be bullies and chances are... it would be allowed.

the absolute LAW was this...
when you walk through the door of THIS house, you'll never be called a name, never be belittled, never be made fun of and NEVER be verbally or physically abused... and YOU will never treat ANYONE else in THIS house THAT way.

i told the boys this was a their "Safe Haven." no matter what happened outside, in here... directing ugliness, cruelty or unreasonable levels of anger towards anyone else in the house, was simply NOT ALLOWED. as silly as it might sound to tell a little kid... they were told "as long as you live here, THAT'S THE LAW."

so how does this relate to your situation... it only really does in one area... but i think it's a biggy... and that's in the way your daughter has treated YOU and the horrible, hurtful things she said to your wife.

i can tell from what you've written, that you're daughter isn't treated and spoken to the way she's speaking to you. she needs to know, if your wife had spoken to her that way... she'd be OUT and only allow IN when she didn't threaten to destroy the "safe haven."

that doesn't mean, it's all sunshine & daises and hugs & kisses. it just means NOT directing undeserved or unreasonable angry at others. have a pity party or a tantrum in your room if you need to, but you don't get to subject others to it.

it's not THE answer to every problem that arises, but rational communication is a helluva ground rule... and a helluva good start.

this of course is barring any mental illness AND parents who don't think the same applies to them.

p.s. my kids we're yelled at and spanked on a few occasion when it was warranted. just because you're not allowed to talk sh!t, doesn't mean you get away with sh!t.

sorry i could give anything that more specifically address the problem you're having with your daughter Gary... but maybe your daughter knowing your house is "her safe haven" ...maybe someday she'll realize how much energy it takes to be unfair, unkind and angry... that it sucks the happiness out of everyone they subject to it.

no one person should be allowed to suck the happiness out of a household... no matter how old they are!

ugh... seriously... sorry to have rambled on so.

 

[Circleville Signs]

sorry i could give anything that more specifically address the problem you're having with your daughter Gary... but maybe your daughter knowing your house is "her safe haven" ...maybe someday she'll realize how much energy it takes to be unfair, unkind and angry... that it sucks the happiness out of everyone they subject to it.

no one person should be allowed to suck the happiness out of a household... no matter how old they are!

GG,

Thank you for your post. You didn't ramble on at all (well...not too much at least..lol).

The part of your post that I quoted is exactly what has forced me into coming to grips with the reality of this situation. It is completely untenable to allow Liz to cause that type of pain un-checked. Hence, she is at her mother's, and she isn't spending Christmas with us or our families, and all of her Christmas gifts are going back to the store (only good news is that I will have about $1000 that I didn't expect to have!).

The whole "Safe-Haven" thing has been a major part of our home as well. We don't use that terminology, but that has always been the case. Now, our family is all about sarcasm, so I can't say we don't playfully tease and make fun of each other, because we absolutely do - but it is never mean and is never disproportional. On the anger front, one of the things I have taught both of my children is that they are entitled to their feelings...And that it doesn't mean that everyone around them must be forced to experience those feelings as well. The whole "take it to your room" thing is something that has been preached ad-infinitum to my kids since they were old enough to throw a tantrum.

That's why so much of this is mind-blowing. My wife and I aren't perfect, and I'm 100% certain that we haven't been perfect parents - no one is. But we have been good, supportive, and loving parents and we DO NOT deserve this type of treatment. And i won't allow us to be subjected to it, as hard as that is.

 

[ld-art]

This too shall pass?...

If only there was a answer to this age old question! My teenage daughter is 1 thousand times more difficult than her older brothers. When she was 16 she hit me the news that she was going to have a baby (a now 18 month old bundle of joy and a tiny terror...) She is slowly starting to be tolerable now she is 18 but it is a slooow slooow process. I only take heart from my friends who have been in the same boat assuring me that this too will pass. Now I know what my mom meant when she told me "I hope you have a daughter just like you!" And I wish the same curse on my daughter also...and if that fails... :scream:

 

[Deaton Design]

Gary, as far as the Christmas presents, I dont know if I would take them back, but maybe hold them in "storage" for a later date. She may come to her senses sooner than later, and you would still have them, and it would be a positive thing for her to hold on to, that you held on to the gifts instead of taking them back. Course, thats just me. Im not having to deal with what you are going through, and I hope I dont. This is a real heartbreaker, and I wish you the best.

 

[Circleville Signs]

John,

Thought about it long and hard, but at the end of the day all that teaches her is that she can do whatever she wants and in the end, still get cool sh!t. That's not how life works. It is becoming very apparent to me that I have put off for too long teaching her that lesson.

 

[ld-art]

And I do agree with artbot. My ex husband was an abusive alcoholic and while he never abused the kids, and my sons don't seem as affected by it, my daughter grew up making the same exact mistakes I did as a teen. I really believe alot of it was just not having a stable male role model to identify with. Even after her dad sobered up and got his life together, his not being around lead her to severe feelings of inadequacy, constantly looking for attention (any kind) from men, O.C.D and button pushing...It kills me because she is exactly like me at her age (also alcoholic father not in the home) and no matter how I try to keep her from making the same mistakes I did she is bound and determined to. She is in counseling now (court ordered by child protective services for being in an abusive relationship with her baby's dad) and slowly getting better. but sometimes they just have to learn the hard way.

 

[artbot]

@ld-art hope the best for you. feel free to pm me if you don't feel the therapy is working properly. i'm curious if they have her in DBT or just basic counseling. it does take stability for a kid to pattern proper reactions to situations. and the dad factor is huge. glad to hear things on on the right track after so much difficulty.

i think what most people do not understand is that the brain and body is a drug factory. from serotonin to dopamine to high beta sticky synapses to hormones like testosterone and adrenaline ... without taking a drug everyone of us throughout the day are being fed drugs to "make it through the day". if a person is experiencing a lack or abundance or imbalance in this system small issues can explode, or just facing the day will seem like an epic battle.